


this is one cracky hell

by Spicy_Speed



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: But sadly Aoi didnt die, Celeste will ruin moments, Chihiro can and will meme, Crack, F/F, F/M, Gay, Hell, Hifumi is the human embodiment of porn, Ishimaru is gay af, Junko sucks, Leon is a fuckboy, M/M, Maizono is a lesbian, Male Fujisaki Chihiro, Mondo is a bro, Mukuro hates her sister, Russian Mafia, Sakura is also a lesbo, This Is STUPID, This is crack, Weed, dumb and gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2020-11-07 17:50:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20821379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spicy_Speed/pseuds/Spicy_Speed
Summary: The dead gang tries to escape Hell





	1. Welcome to Hell enjoy your stay

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Crack fic! I repeat Crack fic, so if it's dumb it's intentional.

Maizono took the knife and tried to stabby-stabby Leon, but what she didn’t know is that 11037 had a trick up his sleeve. “Die bitch!” yelled Maizono “No u,” Leon said while holding his Uno reverse card. “Oh no,” Maizono said while she spontaneously combusted. “Fuck u,” she said when she went to hell.

“Woah where am I?” she asked to no one.

“Woah there partner,” said a man on a horse.

“Wait a minute, who are youuu,” Maizono asked.

“I am sheriff Vic, partner”. 

“ is that short for Victor?’ asked Maizono,

“no, its Victim, partner” he answered.

“Ok, where am I?” 

“you’re in Hell” 

“Oh fun,” Maizono said. 

“Woah,” said a voice, it was Mukuro. 

“Hi Mukuro, we’re in hell,” Maizono said. 

“Oh, shit” yelled Mukuro.

“what is it Mukuro”. 

“If we are in hell there’s a chance we might see my sister!” Mukuro answered. 

“We can’t let that happen,” Maizono said, “we’ll find a way out of here!”

“The only way out is to talk to the devil themselves, partner” replied Vic, although he was not invited to the conversation 

“Really,” Maizono said excitedly “what’s the devil’s name?”

“It’s too evil to say, partner” shuddered Vic.

“Not as evil as my sister” Mukuro muttered

“Anyways, how do we find this evil-demon man?” Maizono asked while glaring at Mukuro for being rude to the cowboy. Although Mukuro is right.

“You gotta find the bridge of small penises, then fight the demon of horniness, then you trek along with dinosaurs and murderers, then you must get past a very evil beast named…" Vic looked around nervously "Nagito!” Vic shuddered at his name, Maizono would be scared if she wasn’t wondering why dinosaurs and murderers were in the same place.

“Thank you, sheriff Victim, you’ve given us the information we need on this journey” Mukuro bowed as she grabbed Maizono’s hand. “Bye Vic!” they yelled running off into the sunset.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just had to use the Victim joke with this. This is short cause it's the prologue, but do not worry later chapters will be longer!


	2. the base and the balls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new asshole shows up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay, you made to chapter two, congrats!

Maizono huffed in exhaustion “I’m so tired”

Mukuro scoffed “seriously, I've done longer walks in military school”

“Oh that reminds me, how did you even become a soldier, aren’t we children?” Maizono asked

“The same way a teen can become the leader of the biggest biker gang in the country” Mukuro replied. They both shrugged because that was a mystery for another time. 

They have been walking an awful lot to find the Bridge of Small Penises, but to no prevail. “Maybe we should rest” Maizono suggested

“That sounds nice,” Mukuro sighed as she laid down against a hell rock, Maizono followed. There was an awkward silence, although not as awkward as Makoto. Mukuro realized this and began to speak, “so how was life as an idol?” 

“Nice, fun, calm and sometimes hot" Maizono replied 

"Sounds nice" Mukuro said clearly ignoring the 'hot' comment. Her eyes started to grow heavy and she realized she was also tried and decided to sleep along with Maizono, no homo. But all that was ruined by everyone's favorite horny teen, Leon!

"Woah," he said while constantly running his hand through his hair " What's this place?" 

"It's hell" Mukuro answered 

"Woah, well what's an angel like you doin' in a place like this" Leon said like a horny bad boy wannabe who'd just found some clip-on piercings and fake tattoos.

"Shut the fuck up Leon" they said at the same time.

"Okay, fine I'll stop for now" 11037 answered.

"Anyways what are you doing here Leon" Mukuro asked 

"Oh he killed and he's too much of a dumbass to cover up his own crime" Maizono replied for Leon

"At least I didn't worked up on a stupid-ass video" Leon protested

"Well, fuck me for having feelings!" Maizono screamed.

"Oh I will" Leon said in return. 

"How we start catching Leon up on what happened, then we can punch him in the throat" Mukuro said breaking up the fight.

"Sounds like a plan" 

Leon looked at Maizono then at Mukuro, who he was still confused about who she was. Then Maizono began to talk "so we're dead and in hell, but we gotta find a way out of this place, so we don't find Junko"

"Wait didn't Junko get blown with spears" 11037 said.

"No, that was Mukuro," Maizono corrected "she dressed up as her sister, then her sister betrayed her"

"Wait, I didn't tell you that" Mukuro said confused.

"No you did, it was just in between chapters cause the author was too lazy to write you explaining all that to me" Maizono answered 

"Ohhh, that makes sense" Mukuro said.

"Anyways, whatcha guys doing" Leon asked.

"We were going to rest" answered Mukuro 

"Aw sweet, I am tried after getting pummeled with a buncha balls" Leon said 

"Ok we'll rest now and continue when we wake up" Mukuro said. They laid down wondering if anyone else would come, besides Maizono, she wondering if Leon meant balls as in the round things, or balls as in penis dicks, or is it round dicks? They all got to sleep eventually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've always had a headcanon where is a fuckboy and always hits on girls, I don't know why.


	3. the small child and the weed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small child appeared

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, another chapter I'm still shocked you're reading this!

Mukuro was the first to wake up as she always does. Leon and Maizono followed. They started to walk to the Bridge of Small Penises, as they did, they found a pit of lava that stretched a long way.

"Well, we're fucked" 

"No we're not," Maizono said then looked to Mukuro "Mukuro can help, right Mukuro" 

"Huh," Mukuro began “oh yeah,” she said unsure, “we need something that’ll get us across”

“Like a raft!”

“Or a conveniently placed substitute!”

“Yeah,” Mukuro said unsure of who said what. She began to look around for something and found a conveniently large hell-rock that was so very conveniently flat (like Toko’s chest) and easy to ride on. She picked it up (since it was also conveniently light) and carried it to the others, who were sitting down and playing America’s actual past-time sport: ‘rock, paper, scissors’. Mukuro showed them her kick-ass rock.

“Wow, how convenient of the writers,” Maizono said once again breaking the fourth wall

Leon and Mukuro still had no clue what she was talking about, but they got to work anyway. Maizono and Mukuro slid the hell-rock into the lava while Leon tried to drink some, they all got on the raft. Just as everything seemed too quiet Leon and Maizono began to argue about who was to blame for their deaths.

“Yeah you could’ve stopped!” Maizono screeched.

“Yeah, well, fuck you!” Leon retorted. 

“Oh my god, if you guys don't stop I'll turn this thing around!” Mukuro yelled

“Wasn’t it your plan to get here on this thing in the first place?” 11037 asked

“Shut the fuck up!” Mukuro screamed, but it was drowned out by another scream, this one being high-pitched and seemed like the person was falling. Not long after the person landed right in Maizono’s lap. The person was small, light-weight and-

“CHIHIRO?!” Leon said interrupting my description, goddammit!

“Hi” she greeted “where am I”

“Hell” Mukuro said flatly

“Hi Chihiro! Mukuro is right but trying to find a way out of this hellhole” Maizono said.

“Oh ok,” Chihiro said understanding.

“Wait minute Chihiro why are you in hell,” Leon began “aren’t you like super innocent?”

“Well I actually work for the Russian government as a spy to collect info on the Americas, my real name is карлик человек my plane crashed and landed here at Hope’s Peak Academy. I disguised myself as Chihiro Fujisaki and lived a new life. I dressed up as woman and continued undercover, but then Monokuma threatened my disguise with his motive. That swine! I tried to talk to Mondo but turns out he was the spy from the Americas that was sent to kill me, and that’s why I’m here” Chihiro told his tale revealing his Russian accent.

“Whoa,” said Mukuro and Maizono in unison

“Wait, wait, wait, you’re a DUDE!?” Leon asked loudly.

“Yes” Chihiro confirmed

“Well those are some sexual fantasies I can’t take back,” Leon said.

“Huh, what-” Chihiro cut off by Maizono

“Okay then let’s talk about something else ok?” 

“God this is worse than when I got stoned and fucked a tree" Leon huffed.

"You did what?" Maizono asked, but before she could get an answer a voice said

"Did someone say stoned!" it was Hagakure!

"Hiro, you died?" Mukuro asked 

"No I just heard something thing about drugs so came on over here" he replied

"Ok?" Mukuro said still not fully understanding.

"Anyways want some weed," Hiro asked, "Don't worry I have a dead people discount" 

They all decided that they should have some weed while they can, besides Chihiro. They also decided to rest again as they waved Hiro goodbye. Mukuro said she'd stay awake to steer the raft. They all headed off to sleep mostly high.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's raining men hallelujah!


	4. the bridge and the bike

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mukuro finds the bridge and another dickhead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was listening to mission impossible theme 10 hours version while writing this

Maizono, Leon, and Chihiro were all fast asleep while Mukuro kept watch for the bridge. She was steering the raft so they wouldn't flip over or turn the wrong way. She then heard a noise it sounded like humming. Mukuro looked behind only to realize that it was Chihiro humming the soviet union anthem in his sleep. They have decided to continue to call him Chihiro because calling him a new name would be inconvenient to the readers and no one knows how the fuck to pronounce it. 

Mukuro looked forward then saw a long wooden plank bridge. 'It's the bridge of Small Penises' she thought while prodding the others awake. 

"The fuck..." Maizono said groggily. 

"I found the bridge!" Mukuro said. 

"Oh nice" Maizono said fully awake. 

Mukuro then went to Leon and Chihiro. "You're gay" Leon said after Mukuro poked him awake. "What is going on?" asked Chihiro when he was awake. It didn't take them long to see the bridge and realize what was going on. Mukuro steered them closer to the shore so they could get off. Chihiro was the first to get off, then Maizono, then 11037, and lastly Mukuro. 

They all headed to the bridge, which didn't take long, unlike the bridge which was surprisingly long even though it had the word small in it. 

"Goddammit! Why is this bridge so fucking long!" Mukuro screamed while Leon and Maizono looked at the signs. 

"It says here that a new plank is added every time a person with a small penis is born," Maizono read "I wonder if Leon's name is on here" 

"Hey! I'll have you know I have a respectable 4 inches" Leon protested. 

"Yeah, respectable to mice!" Maizono retorted.

Chihiro looked down at the first plank, the name 'Kameron Parrinello' was spelled in choppy handwriting. "I've seen langues that were easier to read" 

"Well the problem isn't the handwriting or your dick size, it's how are we going to get across the bridge without it taking forever" Mukuro yelled. 

"If only we had a car" Leon said. 

"Or a unicycle" Maizono added.

"Or a tank" Chihiro also added. 

As if it was on cue there a loud screaming of the word "FUCK!" Everyone whipped their head around to see what was going on. Behind a hell-rock a person stood up, they were going to approach him, then he stared at Chihiro and pulled out a Glock 22.

"Well, if it isn't Oowada, I see that you couldn't cover your crime" Chihiro said his Russian accent again showing though. 

"карлик человек isn't it great to see you again," Mondo said still pointing the gun at Chihiro "if you don't mind me asking, what are you doing here?" 

"Same as you, but I didn't kill anyone" Chihiro answered. 

"Lies!" Mondo yelled "you killed our best agent" 

"You mean Kim Possible," Chihiro said "I had to, it was my job" 

"I don't care I'm still gonna shoot you!" Mondo said while loading his gun. 

"Aha! your gun is no match for this" Chihiro said as he pulled a canon an cannonball out of his pocket. 

"Ok how about we stop fighting before someone dies," Mukuro said 

"But aren't we already dead?" Leon asked. 

"Can you die twice?" Maizono said deep into thought. 

"I don't know and I don't wanna find out" Mukuro tried to answer, while trying to take the gun out of Mondo hand. He put it back in his pocket, same as Chihiro. "Ok let's find out how we get across this bridge and fast" 

"Oh well when my brother died he told me when I join him he'll leave a motorcycle some where in hell" Mondo said. 

"Ok but, where is this motorcycle?" asked Leon. 

"I don't know" Mondo replied 

"So it's gonna take while to find it," Maizono said "I guess it's time for a time skip"

"A what-" 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------Time skip-----------------------------------------------------------------

"What the fuck," Mondo then looked to his side and saw a motorcycle "when did that get there?"

"Just a few minutes ago" Maizono answered.

"A few minutes ago we were standing right here, but there wasn't a bike there," Leon said

"No we just searched for it and now we found it," Maizono said

"What, I don't remember that," Chihiro said confuzzled.

"There a lot of things you don't remember" Mukuro mumbled lowly.

"That's because it happened in the time skip" Maizono answered Chihiro's question

"The what-"

"Let's just on the bike and worry about this later ok?" Mondo said.

"One problem, how are we all gonna fit on the bike," Mukuro asked.

After a lot of fighting they ended up, with Mondo driving, Chihiro in the basket, Mukuro behind Mondo with Maizono on her shoulders, and Leon was tied to the back dragged across the bridge.

"Hey I think I saw my grandpa's name" Leon called from behind. It took them about 30 minutes to get across. They then got off the bike and sat down for a little bit. Maizono began catching Mondo and Chihiro up on their journey, while 11037 and Mukuro thought of where to head next. They started walking again unaware of the dangers that laid ahead of them.... DUN DUN DUN!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *insert dramatic music here*


End file.
